Shmoopy, Sweetie or Cupcake? (Don't Call Me Shmoopy!)

The early stages of a relationship is marked by silliness usually brought on by an unholy and copious release of hormones. In their light-headedness, couples are heard to refer to one another as "shmoopy" and engage in discourse found amusing only to babies and those highly intoxicated.

A gentleman of fine breeding practices proper decorum in the practice and manner of courtship. The lady of one's affectation should always be referred to by her first name along with the honorific "Miss" (example: Miss Jane). The lady shall do the same for her counterpart using the honorific "Mister" (example: Mr. Ed).

Shameful displays of public affection is discouraged and not tolerated (for example: exuberant tonguing or any embracing involving the female's legs wrapping around the man's torso).

As a couple reaches a familiarity with one another, a relaxation of the rules of decorum is permitted allowing for the individual to be referred to as "sweetheart", "hon", "cupcake" or "sweetie". (Etiquette dictates that one reciprocates with same--preferably with a smile.) During this period, a man discovers his willingness to drive his lady to the airport or pick up sanitary napkins at the grocery store. (He must also politely inquire if she prefers a product for light or heavy days.)

When the relationship enters the mature period (often referred to as the "dark ages"), communications between the couple is no longer hampered by earlier rules and communications is reduced to a series of low frequency grunts. In some situations, communications is accomplished with a flag in each hand or a series of hand gestures.

Falling For The Voice On The Radio

It didn't take anything more than her voice to captivate me. The warmth in her voice is like that of a close friend's or perhaps a lover's. Her laugh makes me smile. Her confidence intrigues me as much as her intelligence. She is desirable even though we have never met. Her voice caresses as no other. It is as if I have known her all my life. When I close my eyes, she is beside me. She is beautiful. When I hear her voice, I am happy.

When Silence Needs To Be Golden

Women often make the mistake of believing that men must share everything in their heads for a relationship to work. However, this belief is a fallacy. Men and women communicate differently. Women tend to have better verbal skills while men are typically more comfortable doing physical tasks. And men's and women's expectations regarding communications are also different.

When a woman wants to know what her partner is thinking, it does not occur to her that he may not necessarily want to share his thoughts with her. A woman confronted by silence is likely to see such behaviour as shutting her out or there is a lack of closeness or trust when neither presumption is likely to be true.

As two people enter a relationship, the critical dynamic of you, me and us comes to be. Us does not mean two individuals have become one entity and individual identities are suddenly cast aside. For a relationship to thrive, individual identities must be maintained. Thus, it is important to recognize that individual privacy, even in an intimate relationship, must be allowed to exist.

Men, not all of course, need to have and be in their own space whether it be physical or emotional. Often, he needs to work things out in his head without your intervention. He may or may not share the process with you. It's okay. When he's ready and wants to, he'll share his thoughts with you. However, you are not entitled to his thoughts. (Nor is he entitled to know your every thought.) All you can do is offer him support if he wants it (e.g. If you want to talk, let me know.) What he doesn't want is constant harping about not sharing his deepest emotions with you or pestering. His silence does not mean he does not care about you, or the relationship; nor does it mean he doesn't love you or that there is a problem.

He just needs to be in his space.

Tall Woman, Short Man

When I introduced myself, I was vaguely aware of my attraction to her. (She was new to the organization.) And when she stood up to shake my hand, it was obvious that she was much taller than I. A good four inches taller. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, and I went on with my day not expecting anything more from our initial meeting.

It wasn't very long before we ran into each other more and more and we spent much time talking. It became obvious that the attraction was mutual. And it didn't seem to be such a coincidence that her usual heels were replaced by flats.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't bear the thought of dating someone who was taller. It just didn't feel right. After all, women wanted men who were taller than they. I didn't like the idea of having other people staring at us--the tall woman and the short man. The whole idea was too embarrassing.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it's clear why a woman would want a tall man. He would be her protector, provider and be genetically superior to the short guy. This traditional view of the couple is reinforced in both popular culture and media. Little girls read about being swept off their feet by knights in shining armor (who presumably stood more than six feet).

The only couples (where the woman is taller than the man) who are socially accepted seem to be those involving wealthy old geezers about to kick the bucket. For the most part, the majority of couplings fit the traditional view of the man standing tall over the woman.

After awhile, she got tired of waiting for me and I saw less of her. Eventually, we stopped speaking altogether.

Short people. Randy Newman was right.

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Dear Cyrano,

The women I meet tend to be superficial without much depth or substance. Most seem to be slaves to the beauty and fashion industries. Don't women realize that what looks good on a so-called super-model ain't necessarily going to look good on them? I'm looking for women without a pound of crap on their faces and preferably women who read more than beauty magazines and grocery store trash rags. Do women even know what inner beauty is?

Cyrano: I'm not a fan of the beauty or fashion industry. I don't buy into anything that presumes to dictate what beauty should be and that women need to live up to a preconceived notion of what they ought to own or need to purchase to be attractive. Having said that, what is inner beauty? Inner beauty is not something that can be packaged and turned into a consumable. However, when inner beauty is externalized it appears as individual action and communications such as attitudes, behaviours, manner of speech, non-verbal cues etc.

You see a woman's inner beauty through her confidence, poise and intelligence. She exudes a positive energy and emotional warmth. Inner beauty comes across through compassion, empathy and understanding. Her style of communication inspires trust and respect. She not only respects herself but she respects others for who they are. (Inner) beauty is not something you apply from a package or simply put on. It is developed through self-awareness, learning, effort and a real commitment to change. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that few realize that true beauty has little to do with physical appearance.


[Further discussions on inner beauty will be presented in subsequent guest Cyrano columns--ed]

Love Note #2: A Near Kiss

I remember our almost first kiss as we sat together by the water. Your smile opened my heart to the possibilities of love and made me face the emptiness inside. I looked at you and came to realize my deepening love. When our lips came close, I felt the fires of desire and anticipated the softness of your lips. But fate intervened and our moment passed. A call. (Someone needing you as much as I? I hoped not.) We shared one last look before you pulled away, smiled and said "goodbye."

A Life Lesson From the Women Ski Jumpers

In life, one doesn't always get what one wants...

In the case of the women ski jumpers endeavoring to get their sport included in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games, the biggest mistake they made was to embarrass the IOC. The women took VANOC and the IOC to court, and for a short time they were heartened by a lower court decision that, yes indeed the IOC was practicing discrimination in their exclusion of the women ski jumpers. However, their elation was soon deflated by the decision reached by an appeals court's unanimous decision to throw out their case.

There is a life lesson here about relationships, community and the course of action to be taken to achieve a purpose.

Firstly, while there may be some merit in taking legal action against the organization (and hence the Olympic community) that one wants to be a part of, the women ski jumpers quest for inclusion does not bear any comparison to the civil rights movement of the past. (In case you haven't noticed, there are women participating in the Olympics.)

Embarrassing the object of one's disdain is not good stratagem; nor was calling for the cancellation of the men's ski jumping event since the women could not participate. (The optics were terrible as the women ski jumpers came across as childish spoiled brats.)

The legal action taken by the women ski jumpers probably has done more harm than good in relationship terms. My advice to them: work harder behind the scenes to lobby and sell their sport and influence the people who matter and who can effect change.

Life lesson: Mature individuals build and foster relationships to get want they want in life.