Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk pre-empts any chance of success in anything that you do. In pursuing relationships, what you think you are or not, you’re right; what you think you can or can’t, you are also right. You get the point. Thus, it is in your best interest to think and believe in only the positive and dump the negative self-talk. Increasing your awareness of negative self-talk will help you lessen and eventually eliminate them altogether. However, it does take work to stop yourself each time you think in negative terms whether they are thoughts about you the individual or the outcomes involving you. So,

Consider the following list:

Not believing that you are attractive or good enough.

Dismissing your feelings as not important or valued.

Procrastinating and/or not taking the initiative when the opportunity arises.

Letting nervousness dictate how you do things or overwhelm you.

Letting shyness dictate your actions or using shyness as an excuse for not facing difficult or new situations.

Not giving yourself credit or accepting positive feedback.

Creating a fantasy or building up people or situations not based on reality or facts.

Making assumptions without finding out the facts.


How many of these things do you do? Isn’t it time you stopped?

Self-Image

what other people think of me is important… attractive people are more successful… it is essential to look young… i always look my best… i can tell a lot about a person by the way they dress… i follow the current trends in the fashion and beauty industry… i am disappointed if i don’t get compliments on my appearance… it is important to change my look often… i am not happy with my body…


Straight trees have crooked roots.

16th century proverb

He that falls in love with himself, will have no rivals.

Benjamin Franklin

She got her good looks from her father--he’s a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

A good man often appears gauche simply because he does not take advantage of the myriad mean little chances of making himself look stylish. Preferring truth to form, he is not constantly at work upon the façade of his appearance.

Iris Murdoch, Irish writer

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference.

Joan Didion, American writer

Beauty

To me, fair friend, you never can be old
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still.

William Shakespeare

Rejection As A Positive Force

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no’.

Woody Allen

Yes, rejection is rough. It is disappointing, and it hurts. Our self-esteem and psyche often takes a beating but with each rejection comes experience, learning, increasing confidence and the realization that rejection needs only be painful if you make it so.

Rejection does not lessen your value as a human being. In our search for a mate, rejection is part of the process of weeding out those who are available, compatible and those who deserve our time and attention. Rejection is never about your self-worth. Your self-worth is determined by you.

Those who reject another based solely on physical appearances are those not worthy of your time and energy as they are likely to be the least successful as people and in finding genuine love. Yes, we are often smittened by looks but it is through our ears that we discover love. It is only by listening, evaluating and incorporating what we hear that we find the true nature of another. It is then that we begin to love and give of ourselves.

Cyrano On: Overcoming Rejection

Dear Cyrano:

How do I overcome my fear of rejection?

Cyrano: The fear of being rejected by someone you are attracted to is right up there with the fear of speaking in public as such situations leave you vulnerable. Being rejected is often a traumatic experience and the fear becomes irrational and debilitating. For some individuals, it is often preferable to live in isolation rather than face the humiliation of being rejected.

So how does one overcome this fear? One approach is desensitization. This process usually occurs with the help of a counsellor or therapist who supports and guides the client through the process so that you eventually become less anxious and more comfortable in dealing with the fear. If you find yourself debilitated by your fear, it is recommended that you work with a relationship counsellor or therapist who can help you with this process individually and in a group setting as appropriate.

However, you can begin the process by doing a bit of work on your own. Evaluate your self-image. If you are a person with low self-esteem, rejection will impact your life socially and professionally. Identify situations in which the fear of rejection affects you (these may involve the workplace, social gatherings, dating etc.) Assess your communication skills. Are you able to convey your desires/wishes in a manner that elicits a positive response? Are you able to initiate and maintain a conversation? Are you assertive, passive or aggressive in your communications? Is shyness an issue for you?

In your community, there are non-profit groups that provide information and resources to help you with these issues. There are also self-help groups and continuing education courses aimed at individuals who have similar issues and concerns. The cost is usually nominal/reasonable. Take advantage of these resources, as the first step to overcoming fear is to acknowledge that you can benefit from help and you need not be alone.

Cyrano On: Pursuing Fruitless Romance

Dear Cyrano:
I am attracted to a girl at work. We get along really well. I think about her a lot and I really want to see more of her. The problem is that she has a boyfriend. I want to tell her how I feel. Should I?

Cyrano: As Cher said to Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck: “Snap out of it!” (or something to that effect). In case you didn’t get it, the answer is “no”. She has a boyfriend. Yes, the two of you get along really great, but that doesn’t mean she is interested in you romantically. The problem is not that she has a boyfriend, the problem is you thinking that there could be something more between you and your co-worker when the circumstances are telling you that nothing can come from your gambit.

You can tell her how you feel about her, but be cautioned, your admission may change your relationship in a way you don’t want--she may feel uncomfortable about your feelings for her and she may not interact with you as you and she have been, and/or, she may tell you outright that she’s not interested and you’ll end up feeling rejected and foolish. There are times when you can open up and tell someone about how you feel about them, but this situation is not one of them.

Obsessing about someone who is not available is obviously not in your best interest emotionally or from a practical stand-point. You still have to work with this person and you’re likely going see her each day so you’re going to have to come to terms with your feelings; i.e. accept the fact that she is involved with someone else and get on with finding a partner who is actually available and interested.

Go fishing elsewhere.

Your Work, Your Life, Your Choice (Part II)

Scenario 3

James, at age 52, decided to leave his job of thirty years to pursue painting. James always knew he had artistic talent but never considered such a pursuit practical or financially feasible. However, art was in his blood. It was his passion and it was something that he wanted to commit to on a full time basis. But there was always something holding him back.

Over the years, he painted during his off hours and made contacts in the arts community through volunteering and his part time job as a night school art instructor. He sold a few of his paintings through friends and colleagues and at community events in which other artists displayed their works to the public.

In his discussions with his wife, she was not so enthusiastic about his desire to devote his time to his art on a full time basis, but she ultimately relented and offered support for his decision. While they were financially stable, James realized that by leaving his job thirteen years before retirement age, he was risking a substantial loss of annual income and retirement benefits.

After leaving his job, James set forth a schedule in which he devoted time to painting, networking and marketing his work. He knew that if he were to make a living at doing what he loved, he not only had to create but also sell. And if he were to succeed, he must remain disciplined about his routine. In the first year, James’s creative output was voluminous but he had yet to attract the interest of art dealers and his income for the year was not much better than when he was selling his art at community events. However, he remained steadfast in his dream and desire.

During his second year, James managed to interest a community center to display some of his paintings. Through the community center, James was contacted by a local art dealer who expressed interest in selling his work. The gallery took on twenty of James’s paintings. Fourteen of them were sold in less than two months. In subsequent months, James’s paintings continue to sell and developed a loyal following. James’s annual income, while not comparable to his old job, it was more than enough to provide for himself and his wife.

******

Should you quit your job and pursue your dream job?

Assess your talent/abilities. (Don’t laugh. Be brutally honest. Obtain independent evaluation of your talent and abilities, if you don’t already know.)

Assess your financial situation.

Consider additional education or training and its costs.

Do you have the discipline to work at developing your talent?

What is your plan for success?

Are you prepared to commit to an endeavour in which the only person to push you is you?

Are you willing to take criticism and rejection?

Are you open to learning from negative feedback?

Are you prepared to market yourself?

Are you willing to live with less financially?

Have you discussed your plans with loved ones?

Remember the adage: “Don’t quit your day job.”