Cyrano On: Overcoming Rejection

Dear Cyrano:

How do I overcome my fear of rejection?

Cyrano: The fear of being rejected by someone you are attracted to is right up there with the fear of speaking in public as such situations leave you vulnerable. Being rejected is often a traumatic experience and the fear becomes irrational and debilitating. For some individuals, it is often preferable to live in isolation rather than face the humiliation of being rejected.

So how does one overcome this fear? One approach is desensitization. This process usually occurs with the help of a counsellor or therapist who supports and guides the client through the process so that you eventually become less anxious and more comfortable in dealing with the fear. If you find yourself debilitated by your fear, it is recommended that you work with a relationship counsellor or therapist who can help you with this process individually and in a group setting as appropriate.

However, you can begin the process by doing a bit of work on your own. Evaluate your self-image. If you are a person with low self-esteem, rejection will impact your life socially and professionally. Identify situations in which the fear of rejection affects you (these may involve the workplace, social gatherings, dating etc.) Assess your communication skills. Are you able to convey your desires/wishes in a manner that elicits a positive response? Are you able to initiate and maintain a conversation? Are you assertive, passive or aggressive in your communications? Is shyness an issue for you?

In your community, there are non-profit groups that provide information and resources to help you with these issues. There are also self-help groups and continuing education courses aimed at individuals who have similar issues and concerns. The cost is usually nominal/reasonable. Take advantage of these resources, as the first step to overcoming fear is to acknowledge that you can benefit from help and you need not be alone.