Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk pre-empts any chance of success in anything that you do. In pursuing relationships, what you think you are or not, you’re right; what you think you can or can’t, you are also right. You get the point. Thus, it is in your best interest to think and believe in only the positive and dump the negative self-talk. Increasing your awareness of negative self-talk will help you lessen and eventually eliminate them altogether. However, it does take work to stop yourself each time you think in negative terms whether they are thoughts about you the individual or the outcomes involving you. So,

Consider the following list:

Not believing that you are attractive or good enough.

Dismissing your feelings as not important or valued.

Procrastinating and/or not taking the initiative when the opportunity arises.

Letting nervousness dictate how you do things or overwhelm you.

Letting shyness dictate your actions or using shyness as an excuse for not facing difficult or new situations.

Not giving yourself credit or accepting positive feedback.

Creating a fantasy or building up people or situations not based on reality or facts.

Making assumptions without finding out the facts.


How many of these things do you do? Isn’t it time you stopped?

Self-Image

what other people think of me is important… attractive people are more successful… it is essential to look young… i always look my best… i can tell a lot about a person by the way they dress… i follow the current trends in the fashion and beauty industry… i am disappointed if i don’t get compliments on my appearance… it is important to change my look often… i am not happy with my body…


Straight trees have crooked roots.

16th century proverb

He that falls in love with himself, will have no rivals.

Benjamin Franklin

She got her good looks from her father--he’s a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

A good man often appears gauche simply because he does not take advantage of the myriad mean little chances of making himself look stylish. Preferring truth to form, he is not constantly at work upon the façade of his appearance.

Iris Murdoch, Irish writer

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference.

Joan Didion, American writer

Beauty

To me, fair friend, you never can be old
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still.

William Shakespeare

Rejection As A Positive Force

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no’.

Woody Allen

Yes, rejection is rough. It is disappointing, and it hurts. Our self-esteem and psyche often takes a beating but with each rejection comes experience, learning, increasing confidence and the realization that rejection needs only be painful if you make it so.

Rejection does not lessen your value as a human being. In our search for a mate, rejection is part of the process of weeding out those who are available, compatible and those who deserve our time and attention. Rejection is never about your self-worth. Your self-worth is determined by you.

Those who reject another based solely on physical appearances are those not worthy of your time and energy as they are likely to be the least successful as people and in finding genuine love. Yes, we are often smittened by looks but it is through our ears that we discover love. It is only by listening, evaluating and incorporating what we hear that we find the true nature of another. It is then that we begin to love and give of ourselves.

Cyrano On: Overcoming Rejection

Dear Cyrano:

How do I overcome my fear of rejection?

Cyrano: The fear of being rejected by someone you are attracted to is right up there with the fear of speaking in public as such situations leave you vulnerable. Being rejected is often a traumatic experience and the fear becomes irrational and debilitating. For some individuals, it is often preferable to live in isolation rather than face the humiliation of being rejected.

So how does one overcome this fear? One approach is desensitization. This process usually occurs with the help of a counsellor or therapist who supports and guides the client through the process so that you eventually become less anxious and more comfortable in dealing with the fear. If you find yourself debilitated by your fear, it is recommended that you work with a relationship counsellor or therapist who can help you with this process individually and in a group setting as appropriate.

However, you can begin the process by doing a bit of work on your own. Evaluate your self-image. If you are a person with low self-esteem, rejection will impact your life socially and professionally. Identify situations in which the fear of rejection affects you (these may involve the workplace, social gatherings, dating etc.) Assess your communication skills. Are you able to convey your desires/wishes in a manner that elicits a positive response? Are you able to initiate and maintain a conversation? Are you assertive, passive or aggressive in your communications? Is shyness an issue for you?

In your community, there are non-profit groups that provide information and resources to help you with these issues. There are also self-help groups and continuing education courses aimed at individuals who have similar issues and concerns. The cost is usually nominal/reasonable. Take advantage of these resources, as the first step to overcoming fear is to acknowledge that you can benefit from help and you need not be alone.

Cyrano On: Pursuing Fruitless Romance

Dear Cyrano:
I am attracted to a girl at work. We get along really well. I think about her a lot and I really want to see more of her. The problem is that she has a boyfriend. I want to tell her how I feel. Should I?

Cyrano: As Cher said to Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck: “Snap out of it!” (or something to that effect). In case you didn’t get it, the answer is “no”. She has a boyfriend. Yes, the two of you get along really great, but that doesn’t mean she is interested in you romantically. The problem is not that she has a boyfriend, the problem is you thinking that there could be something more between you and your co-worker when the circumstances are telling you that nothing can come from your gambit.

You can tell her how you feel about her, but be cautioned, your admission may change your relationship in a way you don’t want--she may feel uncomfortable about your feelings for her and she may not interact with you as you and she have been, and/or, she may tell you outright that she’s not interested and you’ll end up feeling rejected and foolish. There are times when you can open up and tell someone about how you feel about them, but this situation is not one of them.

Obsessing about someone who is not available is obviously not in your best interest emotionally or from a practical stand-point. You still have to work with this person and you’re likely going see her each day so you’re going to have to come to terms with your feelings; i.e. accept the fact that she is involved with someone else and get on with finding a partner who is actually available and interested.

Go fishing elsewhere.

Your Work, Your Life, Your Choice (Part II)

Scenario 3

James, at age 52, decided to leave his job of thirty years to pursue painting. James always knew he had artistic talent but never considered such a pursuit practical or financially feasible. However, art was in his blood. It was his passion and it was something that he wanted to commit to on a full time basis. But there was always something holding him back.

Over the years, he painted during his off hours and made contacts in the arts community through volunteering and his part time job as a night school art instructor. He sold a few of his paintings through friends and colleagues and at community events in which other artists displayed their works to the public.

In his discussions with his wife, she was not so enthusiastic about his desire to devote his time to his art on a full time basis, but she ultimately relented and offered support for his decision. While they were financially stable, James realized that by leaving his job thirteen years before retirement age, he was risking a substantial loss of annual income and retirement benefits.

After leaving his job, James set forth a schedule in which he devoted time to painting, networking and marketing his work. He knew that if he were to make a living at doing what he loved, he not only had to create but also sell. And if he were to succeed, he must remain disciplined about his routine. In the first year, James’s creative output was voluminous but he had yet to attract the interest of art dealers and his income for the year was not much better than when he was selling his art at community events. However, he remained steadfast in his dream and desire.

During his second year, James managed to interest a community center to display some of his paintings. Through the community center, James was contacted by a local art dealer who expressed interest in selling his work. The gallery took on twenty of James’s paintings. Fourteen of them were sold in less than two months. In subsequent months, James’s paintings continue to sell and developed a loyal following. James’s annual income, while not comparable to his old job, it was more than enough to provide for himself and his wife.

******

Should you quit your job and pursue your dream job?

Assess your talent/abilities. (Don’t laugh. Be brutally honest. Obtain independent evaluation of your talent and abilities, if you don’t already know.)

Assess your financial situation.

Consider additional education or training and its costs.

Do you have the discipline to work at developing your talent?

What is your plan for success?

Are you prepared to commit to an endeavour in which the only person to push you is you?

Are you willing to take criticism and rejection?

Are you open to learning from negative feedback?

Are you prepared to market yourself?

Are you willing to live with less financially?

Have you discussed your plans with loved ones?

Remember the adage: “Don’t quit your day job.”

Your Work, Your Life, Your Choice (Part I)

Scenario 1

When I wake up in the morning, I can’t wait to get to work.
I find that my day at work goes by quickly.
I feel that I make a difference in my work.
I enjoy the people I come into contact with in my work.
I get along well with my boss.
I feel that I get the support needed from my boss.
I feel that I am properly paid for the work that I do.
I am able to grow and develop in the job that I am doing.
I feel a part of the group of people I work with.
I have time for people and activities outside of my work.

Scenario 2

I wish I had more time for activities I really enjoy.
There never seems to be enough time to get my work done.
I can’t wait for the weekend to start.
It seems that I have to do everything at work.
I really don’t like the people I work with.
I don’t feel supported or respected at work.
I don’t get paid enough for what I do.
The people I work with are back stabbers.
There is too much conflict and politics at my workplace.
I can’t change the way things are done, so I don’t bother.
I go home as soon as it’s quitting time.

Free Yourself and Enjoy Life (Part II)

I once knew a woman who believed that she knew all about people, life and her purpose in the world. The reality was that she was blind to her lack of awareness of the world around her and of herself. She talked the talk about passion, leadership, commitment and openness to change. If she had the eyes of an outsider, she would have seen her own passionless, dreary existence in a career that had not fundamentally changed in over twenty five years. She was the quintessential bureaucrat--a paper pusher without vision, dreams or a desire to fulfill a leadership role in the community intended to bring out the best in herself and others around her. She was satisfied with the status quo. Unchanging and content to do things as they have been done year after year. She was always quick to point out the lack of dimension in others but when it came to herself she was ignorant of her own failure to see. Closed-minded about other perspectives and limiting her thinking to established paradigms, her world was humourless and as limited as she was. Don’t even think of asking her to participate in activities intended to free the soul from inhibitions and limitations. It was off-limits. Taboo. She was a walking corpse without passion or life affirming qualities. Only a stiff collecting a paycheck awaiting burial. The child she had was withdrawn, unsmiling, sickly. And doomed to the same existence.

Free Yourself and Enjoy Life (Part I)

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Woody Allen

All the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

Samuel Butler, English author

Living is my profession and my art.

Michel de Montaigne, French essayist

May you live all the days in your life.

Jonathan Swift

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

Samuel Butler

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Soren Kierkegaard

The meaning of life is that it stops.

Franz Kafka

A useless life is an early death.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is an end in itself.

Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes

Looking Ahead

Be part of your community. Don’t live life in a social vacuum or in front of a computer screen. Don’t limit yourself and be limited by people who are content with mediocrity. Expand your circle of contacts by becoming involved with your community. Be kind and caring. Contribute and be actively involved. Experience life with all your senses.

Be open to learning. Make learning a life-long endeavour. Change and growth cannot occur if you do not open yourself to new experiences and learning. Be receptive to new things. A rule about personal growth and development is if something makes you uncomfortable or anxious then it is an area for you to work on and strengthen. Think about the things that cause you to pull away and then commit yourself to facing those fears. Be proactive. Seek out resources and support to help you meet those fears. The most difficult challenges within ourselves are worth overcoming.

Be grateful. Realize than more is not necessarily better or that it will make you happy. Make balance in your life a priority. Happiness does not come from others or material wealth. Happiness has to come from within the one person that matters: You. Be grateful for your health, the people who care about you and the people you love, and life itself.

Be passionate. Don’t ignore your true passion/calling in life. Realize your potential. Find a way to do what you truly love. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you don’t love what you’re doing, then why waste any more time doing it?

Find the love you’ve been looking for. Begin with the above, and he or she will emerge.