Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Office Romances


Dear Cyrano:

Are workplace romances ever a good idea?

Cyrano: Workplace romances carry risks that can impact your long term success in your chosen profession. If you do become involved in a workplace romantic relationship, strict discretion is always advisable in such matters. However, once the cat is out of the bag, your integrity, professional judgement and objectivity may be questioned as people will talk, gossip and make accusations. Romances do occur in the workplace but are you prepared to deal with the potential consequences?

The more senior/higher up your position within an organization, the more you have to lose in terms of your professional image and reputation. People's perception of you will change. Who you are, your values, and credibility are at stake. Once you become involved in an office romance, you also leave yourself vulnerable to accusations of favouritism, sexual harassment and the possibility of extortion/blackmail.

Compare the following scenarios in which relationships involve individuals working within the same company. Identify potential complications, note your reactions and draw from your own experiences:

1) Two Sales Representatives are romantically involved.
2) The Vice President of Marketing is dating the Office Assistant.
3) A Supervisor asks a Stockroom Clerk out on a date.
4) The Mail Room Clerk is seeing the Office Receptionist.

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Finding Someone At My Age


Dear Cyrano:

I’m a professional career woman in my mid-forties who has invested a lot of time on my career but not on relationships. I would like to find someone to have a long term relationship but as an older woman, I’m feeling that it’s going to be difficult. I’m not interested in dating younger men, bars or coming across as a cougar. My question is how do I go about finding someone at my age?

Cyrano: The simple answer: Ask men whom you find interesting out. I’m not trying to be flippant, but as a professional career woman, I’m sure you have better than average communication skills and you are more than capable of inviting someone out for a coffee or tea. Dating and finding someone compatible is a numbers game. The more individuals you meet, the better your chances are for finding someone compatible. If you don’t ask, you won’t know (if someone is interested or available) and you won’t have any opportunities. If you’re finding rejection to be an issue, realize that having someone say “no” does not invalidate who you are. Getting to yes may involve a few no’s. You may wish to begin with activities in organized settings such as classes, workshops, clubs or activities that you find interesting and that have a mix of men and women. Organized activities provide a safe environment to meet and engage people.

Be confident and pro-active. Don’t make assumptions. Smile and be open to friendship. If you find someone interesting, be specific in your requests. Say something like, “I’d like to know more about you, would you like to join me for coffee?” And if you find that the person you were interested in not to be your cup of tea, you are under no obligation to pursue the relationship any further.

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Romantic Love, Romantic Illusions

Dear Cyrano:

I feel trapped in my present relationship. It just seems that after the initial novelty of a new relationship wears off, I find myself drifting away and wanting to be on my own without the routine and all the crap that comes with a relationship. This is not the first relationship in which this has happened. Is there something wrong with me?

Cyrano: My initial impression is that you’re not able to move beyond the “romantic love” stage of your relationships. The “romantic love” stage of many relationships is typically in the early phase in which individuals have an idealized perception of the object of their affection. At this time, the relationship is new and things are exciting. The clichés often associated with new love include individuals saying things like how much the bluer the sky is, how the air is a little fresher, how food tastes so much better etc. etc. During this phase, individuals usually ignore or dismiss the traits/habits/behaviours found in their new love that would otherwise bug the hell out of them at any other time and circumstance. During the romantic love phase, there is also a great deal of individual insecurity and anxiety. While new love brings excitement, new lovers also seek the security and “routine” of a committed relationship at which time the “excitement” typical in a new relationship wanes and progresses toward a more mature stage.

Other things you may wish to consider include your feelings toward commitment in a relationship, fears of intimacy and your maturity level. Relationships like individuals grow and evolve. Relationships and individuals cannot remain stuck in the romantic love stage. Romantic love is about romantic illusions that cannot be sustained. It is not based on reality. You and your lover will grow old, you will likely go bald and your partner’s breasts will sag. Commitment and intimacy involves acceptance of yourself and your partner. When you’re in a committed relationship, it brings responsibilities and obligations. No, it’s not always going to be exciting. It will, more often than not and as you described it, be “routine”. Yes, relationships do include the “crap” that two people bring to it, but it is up to you and your partner to sort out the crap.

Romantic love and the feelings associated with it can be addicting. Individuals addicted to romantic love move from one relationship to the next just to re-experience those feelings. Perhaps, you’re not at a stage in your life in which you’re prepared to have a relationship that lasts for more than a couple of years. If you want to change that, you will have to look at identifying and changing the things that have prevented you from having a more mature relationship.

A Christmas Good-bye, A Christmas Welcome (Part II)

I was miserable and I was alone. I kept asking myself what did I do to deserve this? How could she just get up and leave. For South America, of all places. I’d thought that our relationship was going to lead somewhere. Christmas was just days away and all I’d been doing was moping about and feeling sorry for myself.

A good friend called. And that was all it took for me to spill my guts. After an hour or two of nothing but sobbing and self-pity, he finally said, “Are you finished? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something useful.”

I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing. Did he not hear what I had been telling him for the last two hours and how crappy I was feeling? Some friend he was. He interrupted my string of invectives and said that he was coming by early tomorrow to pick me up and we would be heading out to a soup kitchen to do something useful.

A soup kitchen. Great. I lose my girlfriend, and my so-called friend was taking me down to a soup kitchen for Christmas. Drunks, drug addicts, the mentally ill, and, no doubt, all manner of ill-begotten people whom I would not have any association with during my normal day. Now I was going to spend time with these people during Christmas. Great.

After a twenty minute drive, we arrived in a not-so-nice part of town where the soup kitchen was located. It was early and the place was empty save for five volunteers and the Coordinator of the place. He was a nice enough fellow who gave me a tour of the facility and described all the work needed to be done. He explained that the soup kitchen opened at 11:00 a.m. and that the day’s prep work was all done by volunteers like myself. I was assigned hot dog duty--prepping the fixins, buns, and boiling the wieners.

This was not the way I wanted to spend Christmas. There was literally a ton of work to be done--sacks of onions, potatoes, carrots and boxes of veggies piled high waiting for us volunteers. The other volunteers didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they went about their business in an efficient if not professional manner. They actually seemed to be happy in this place. It didn’t seem to matter that there was another sack of carrots or potatoes that needed peeling. There was work to be done and someone did it. It was important to them. And there was a camaraderie that I haven’t experienced else where.

After finishing my umpteenth sack of onions and putting six dozen wieners into pots of boiling water, it was getting close to opening time. There was a small line-up outside. When the doors opened up, the Coordinator and some of the volunteers were at the front door with cups of hot coffee greeting people as they came in. There were men, and women. A range of ages. Seniors, young people, some in wheelchairs. All well-behaved. All happy to see the welcoming faces of the volunteers.

Among those coming in was a woman and her young child. The little girl looked to be about five-years-old. As I gawked, my friend came over and pulled me aside. He directed me to the food service assembly line. Today’s menu consisted of pasta with meat sauce, macaroni salad, fruit, a dessert and, of course, hot dogs. There was also a mountain of specially made up bags for people to take away with them. The volunteers on the line were a well-oiled machine--getting meals ready to serve with the urgency of an Indy pit crew. As I was the rookie, it was mandatory to take on the role of server. This soup kitchen was full service. No hiding in the back.

I grabbed a meal tray in each hand and headed out to the dining area where the Coordinator directed me to a couple of gents at a table. They were busy talking as I laid the trays down before them. As I walked away, one shouted, “Hey, kid. Thanks! Best of the season to you!” I smiled, and wished him and his companion a Merry Christmas.

More people started to stream in. On my way back to the kitchen, I noticed the little girl and her mother going from table to table. The mother had an apron on. She was a volunteer. The little girl was carrying a white plastic bucket. She stopped at each table and reached into the white plastic bucket. As she handed a Christmas cookie to each person, she said in the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard, “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas!”

The smiles she brought to the people in that dining room was magic in the purest sense of the word.

We must have served up over a hundred meals in the span of a few hours. I was pretty tired, but it was a good tired.

At the end of the lunch service, the Coordinator was kind enough to introduce me to the woman and her little girl. He explained that I was the new guy responsible for the hot dogs. The little girl gave me a grin. I sat down and found out a bit more about them. The little girl told me that she and her mom made Christmas cookies every year to bring down to the soup kitchen. I asked why she did that. She simply said, “Nobody should be sad at Christmas.”

Choking back the lump in my throat, I asked if she and her mom would like to have some lunch. She said, “Yes, I’d like a hot dog, please.”

You know, a hot dog never tasted better.

A Christmas Good-Bye, A Christmas Welcome (Part I)

It was around this time nine Christmases ago that the woman I was seeing said to me that she was leaving for South America. South America! Straight out of the blue, I get this stunning news. I didn’t understand. What was in South America? “I don’t know,” was her reply. “I’m not really sure. All I know is that I need to be going.”

Up to this point in our relationship, I thought I had a pretty good idea of who she was and what she was all about but her announcement threw that belief out the window. Then again, she was the one who always enjoyed travelling and exploring different places and cultures. Maybe, I’ve had my blinders on all this time. I was the one who preferred to stay put in one place. Travel was such a hassle. I didn’t like being on the road for extended periods or staying in hostels or the idea that home was wherever one could lay one’s hat. It wasn’t me at all.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. All this time, I had fooled myself into believing that I could settle her down into a cozy domestic relationship with a house and picket fence. And maybe start a family. But it was obvious that I had become an anchor around her neck.

I understood why she needed to move on. It hurt like hell, but there wasn’t anything left to do other than to say good-bye. She left a few days later. She promised to send me a postcard.

I was going to be alone for Christmas.

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

When Friends Remain Friends

Dear Cyrano:

I have a male friend whom I’ve known for six years. We’re good friends and our relationship has always been platonic. However, I’ve developed feelings for him but he’s currently involved with someone else. I want to tell him how I feel but I don’t know if I should or simply stop seeing him.

Cyrano: Since he is currently involved romantically with someone else, this suggests that he sees you as a friend and not a lover. It is not unusual for opposite sex friendships to become romantic relationships when one party expresses a romantic attraction but often the other party is not interested in reciprocating. He obviously values you as a friend but he has not indicated a desire for your relationship to be anything else but a friendship.

It is important for you to explore your motivations for wanting to tell him your current feelings. Things to consider: Is anxiety and fear (of losing his friendship), insecurity or jealousy driving your desire in wanting to tell him? Will his new relationship suddenly exclude you from his life? (It may, but that is the nature of life and relationships--change happens, and the friendship may wane.)

I do not suggest cutting him out of your life without saying anything as this would not be fair to him or to yourself. Do express to him that you are happy for him and his new found love. Let him know that his friendship is important to you and that you also understand that his new relationship may not leave as much time for the two of you as in the past.

The transition period will be difficult and awkward as you do have feelings for him. Take the time to transition and adjust. Proceed with your life, activities and goals. Continue to seek out new relationships.

Behavioural Choices

In the course of a day, I interact with many women. Most are pleasant and approachable. However, there are equally as many women who are unpleasant and unapproachable. In the choices they make, they sabotage their social success by their lack of self-awareness of how they are perceived.

In the course of a day, I see supervisors who lack compassion, are humourless and fail show any warmth for their fellow human beings; I see shoppers who show nothing but contempt for retail clerks who must put up with snarky remarks and mouthy behaviour; I see cashiers who do not acknowledge their customers or bother to hand back change choosing instead to put coins on the counter without so much as a “thank you”; I see co-workers whose hypocrisy is matched by their eagerness to put down the people they work with; I see managers with a vocabulary comparable to a sailor’s and who go out of their way to embarrass others in public settings because it gives them a sense of superiority; I see too much arrogance, passive-aggressiveness and hatefulness.

We all make choices about how we feel and how we relate to people and the world around us. When you choose uncaring, negative or hurtful behaviour, you alienate and destroy any chance of genuine interaction with others.

Is it any wonder that many of us are alone?

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Get Rid of That Ugly Demeanor

No amount of make-up or the latest styles from fashion designers will cover an ugly demeanor or personality. The woman who is ill-mannered, rude, crude and lacking in common courtesy is not attractive in any sense of the word. A woman lacking refinement tends to attract the jerks, creeps, the social and emotional retarded/rejects.

Beauty is much more than the external. Beauty is about personality, attitude(s), confidence (in who you are, in how you communicate), values and outlook--things that are part of the inner you. The woman who projects warmth, listens actively, and makes the other person feel that he is the most important person at that moment is much more memorable than the expensively (and pretentiously) attired and overly done up wannabe.

Politeness, courtesy and respect matters. So is sincerity. These qualities reflect you to the world--whether it pertains to attracting a mate, in the career arena or whatever you pursue. People with these qualities are remembered and treasured. Assess and evaluate yourself.

Do you project warmth and confidence?

Do you make eye contact? (not in the flirtatious sense)

Do you listen actively (meaning do you hear and understand what the other person is saying as opposed to your mind wandering?)

When you speak, are you assertive or aggressive?

Do you smile? (or is there a snarl across your face?)

Do you make an effort to recognize and appreciate those you come into contact with? (or do you make immediate assumptions based on appearances?)

Are you respectful of those who may have differing viewpoints?

Do you make an effort to resolve communication difficulties? (or do you ignore them and hope that they go away or let someone else deal with them?)

Do you make every moment matter?

Do you give your best effort regardless of the task or activity?

Do you have a positive outlook and project positive energy?

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love: To Move In or Not?

Dear Cyrano:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last two years. We’re very much in love and he wants me to move in with him but I’m not so sure if that is such a good idea. I guess what I want is that he propose to me, we get married then live together. I’ve told him this but he insists that it would be good as we would reduce our living expenses and we could save up for a wedding down the road. I’m not sure what to do.

Cyrano: It’s always helpful to indicate your ages so I have some context and insight about the individuals in the relationship. However, your boyfriend seems overly insistent that you proceed with this arrangement despite your reluctance. His focus is on reducing living expenses (for him or you or both?) rather than on the core issue: his commitment to you and idea of marriage. It’s fine that he wants to reduce living expenses; he can accomplish the same goal with a roommate. The question for you is: Do you want to be his roommate or his life partner/spouse?

It appears that you and your boyfriend have a different understanding about the expectations in your relationship. You wish to get married then live together but your boyfriend is not prepared to do that at this time. Is he looking at this arrangement as a “trial period” before making the big leap into marriage? In a situation like this, it is important to recognize the emotional maturity of your potential partner and your own as well as the needs of both individuals. Is there a large gap between you and is there room for compromise? You may be ready for marriage but he is not. The only way you’re going to resolve this is to state your desire for marriage and, if it is the case, indicate that this is not negotiable. Assess his response to your needs and wants. If he is insistent on proceeding without consideration for your needs or offer further clarification of his intentions, I would hold off any plans for co-habitation.

Afterthought. Couples who move in together before they’re ready, tend not to go on to have satisfactory partnerships or ever get to the point of getting married. If you don’t know your partner well, moving in together to find out that his or her quirks irritate the hell out of you will not bode well for long term success of the relationship. Know what you want from your partner and clarify the expectations of the relationship. Do your partner’s needs, wants and expectations mesh with yours? Communicate and clarify at the outset. Know the answers before you leap into anything you could regret later.

Marriage

In marriage, a man becomes slack and selfish, and undergoes a fatty degeneration of his moral being.

Robert Louis Stevenson

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.

Helen Rowland, American Journalist

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

Alexander Pope

One fool at least in every married couple.

Henry Fielding

It is not marriage that fails; it is the people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up.

H. E. Fosdick, American Baptist Minister

Scratch A Lover and Find A Foe*

A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town; not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away.

William Wycherley, English Dramatist

Love is like linen, often changed, the sweeter.

Phineas Fletcher, English Poet

The more one loves a mistress, the more one is ready to hate her.

Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, French Writer

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

Israel Zangwill, British Author

Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret.

Aphra Behn, English Playwright

*Dorothy Parker, American Humorist

De-Clawing The Tiger

As Tiger Woods continues to make hush money payments to his seemingly growing multitude of mistresses, recent reports have Woods re-negotiating his pre-nuptial agreement with his wife Elin Nordegren in a bid to save their marriage. Would it be too cynical to say that his gesture is as much a sham as his love for the former nanny and model? The millions deposited in her personal bank account is obviously nothing more than a ploy to get the woman not to file divorce papers and to give the public the impression that the great sports hero, despite his transgressions, is still very much a family man. No doubt a family man hoping to preserve his endorsements and warm up the emerging cold feet of his sponsors.

Consider Dim Sum For The First Date

Asking someone out for coffee as a first date is such a cliché. Isn’t it about time you broke out of the first date routine and show a little moxie and adventurousness? Do something that your date will remember you by and improve your chances for a second date. Consider doing dim sum for your first date!

Not sure what dim sum is? Dim Sum, for the uninitiated, is essentially Chinese brunch. You don’t have to be Chinese to enjoy the experience. And it is an experience! If you haven’t had the fortune of being invited along by your Chinese co-workers or friends for dim sum, be prepared for a delightful and delicious experience.

Dim sum has its origins from Canton, China. Dim sum consists of an assortment of sweet and savoury dishes typically steamed or deep fried. Part of the dim sum experience is having hot tea known as yum cha. Most hot items are served in small steamer baskets. The types of items include shrimp dumplings (called har gao), buns with roast pork (char siu bao), pork, mushroom & shrimp dumplings (siu mai), mini egg rolls, pot stickers, taro root (wu gok is light and delightfully deep fried!), egg custard tarts, and for the really adventurous chicken feet! plus many more taste treats. Don’t load up on any one item; instead, allow yourself and your date to sample as many items as possible. What you don’t finish, you can always take home.

Traditionally, dim sum service is noted for its servers pushing metal carts stacked with steamer baskets with customers selecting items as servers come by tables. Selected items are then marked on a card. While many restaurants have dispensed with this system in favour of ordering items from a menu card, I recommend seeking out the restaurants with the cart system as it allows for you and your date to see, smell and anticipate the next batch of delicious morsels.

Dim sum restaurants tend to be noisy places with large groups of diners, servers announcing items, and carts being pushed around so don’t expect to have a romantic conversation in the general din of a Chinese brunch. Your dim sum first date should be about enjoying the shared dining experience--with all your senses coming into play. Discover what your date likes and dislikes. Don’t worry if you’re not a dim sum pro, enjoy the uniqueness of the dining experience together. Let the sounds, smells and tastes be part of the fun, and not the pressure of being on a first date in a coffee shop where it often becomes an interview Q and A.

If you’re still anxious about having a dim sum first date, check out websites for sample menus and photos of typical items. Ask friends about their favourite dim restaurants and recommendations. Learn the Cantonese pronunciation of items (most are easy). Dim sum servers typically announce (in Cantonese) the items on their carts and if an item piques your or your date’s interest, don’t hesitate to ask the server for a look or more information.

Enjoy!

For more information, Google dim sum for restaurants in your area, menus and service hours.

(Note: Cantonese cooking and dim sum dishes include pork so if your date is pork or meat averse, dim sum dining is not recommended. Dim sum items are approximately $3.00 per item.)

Learning To Think Beyond Physical Appearances

You’re in a large retail store, looking for a puzzle for your niece. After searching for awhile, you’re approached by a clerk who asks if you need some help. He listens attentively as you explain that your niece is extremely upset that her favourite puzzle was accidentally given away to a church group and that you’re hoping to replace it but the puzzle doesn’t appear to be on the shelf.

The clerk smiles, quickly checks the shelf and confirms what you already know. He asks if you’re going to be in the store for perhaps the next fifteen minutes while he looks in the back. He doesn’t guarantee that the puzzle’s in stock but he promises to get back to you in ten minutes. You say, “yes” and thank him for his help. He walks off.

Ten minutes later, he finds you and to your delight he has the puzzle you’ve been searching for--in fact, he has two boxes for you. You thank him and he tells you he’s glad he could help. He smiles, and walks toward a woman needing help with finding a washroom for her child. The clerk kneels down in front of the child, smiles and says that he’ll escort them to the washrooms.

****

Would you consider the possibility of the clerk being someone you would want to get to know better as a potential partner? Would the fact that he stocks shelves put you off? Would the fact that he makes less money than you be a turn off? Would you consider his behaviour just a part of his job or do you see him as someone with qualities you want in a partner?

Something to think about.

Finding Self-Acceptance

In the 1966 John Frankenheimer film Seconds, an aging banker played by John Randolph turns to a secret organization for radical plastic surgery and a chance at a new life. Or so, he believes. "Reborn” as an artist (now portrayed by Rock Hudson), he discovers that his new life does not bring the happiness he was so desperately seeking. Thus, the moral of the story--an external make-over does not produce happiness for the individual who cannot fundamentally accept him- or herself.

Self-acceptance is key to individual happiness and consequently the foundation for building meaningful relationships. If you are someone who has low self-esteem and believes that some one or some thing will provide you with validation or happiness, you are mistaken.

Statements such as: I am nothing if I’m not in a relationship or I am not beautiful are unhealthy and unproductive and prevents you from achieving true happiness. Dispensing with such beliefs is where you must begin in order to get on the road to self-acceptance.

How to begin?

Start with a commitment to taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. Nurture your self. Many of us are good at telling others to take care of themselves but do not do the same for ourselves. Exercise. Eat a balanced diet. Get involved in activities and things that are emotionally rewarding and meaningful. Explore and foster your passion(s). Don’t isolate yourself and seek out others with similar values and interests. Share your skills and experiences (as a volunteer). Establish and maintain quality relationships. Avoid people with negative energies as they sap yours. Stop the negative self thoughts and unhealthy behaviours. Respect yourself and others. Become more effective as a communicator. Learn and grow. Confidence comes with learning new things and exploring new experiences that you would normally avoid. Don’t let your work be the sole reason for your existence. Find balance in life.

Lastly, learn to have fun and laugh every now and then.

(Seconds is available on DVD--ed)

Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Dealing with Neediness in a Relationship

Dear Cyrano,

I’ve been seeing a woman over the last five months. At first, everything was going fine but lately I can’t seem to be away from her for more than a day or two before she starts calling to see how I am and who I’m with. She is needy and insecure. I thought there might be some potential for us but now I’m not so sure. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t see it working like this. What should I do?

Cyrano: You can consider one of two things.

You can break it off with her and say you want to see other people and that a serious relationship with her is not likely at this juncture in your life. Since you have been in this relationship for only five months, the investment you and she have made is not a large one.

If, however, you want to consider staying with her and if there might be potential for this relationship, you will have to express your concerns about what you perceive as frequent calls and her need to feel reassured about your relationship. You must state your expectations about the relationship and be clear about what you want. It may not what she wants, however. You can reassure her about your feelings for her and the relationship. You will need to clarify her expectations of the relationship which may give you insight into the motivations for her behaviour. Her expectations may be more than you’re prepared to accommodate and the two of you will have to decide to either come to an agreement that works for the both of you or decide to go your separate ways.

A relationship, especially in its early stages, is about learning what the other wants and needs. Clarification of expectations and negotiations are part of the process.

Individual neediness and feelings of jealousy may be indications of deeper personal issues requiring the help of a skilled counsellor or therapist. Neediness and jealousy are those unhealthy and unproductive behaviours that damage existing and future relationships. On an individual level such behaviours are often difficult to overcome without help from a skilled professional.

Finding a fulfilling relationship often means recognizing your own unhealthy and unproductive behaviours that prevent individual growth and development. Nurture yourself and your relationships will be richer for it.