Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Dealing with Neediness in a Relationship

Dear Cyrano,

I’ve been seeing a woman over the last five months. At first, everything was going fine but lately I can’t seem to be away from her for more than a day or two before she starts calling to see how I am and who I’m with. She is needy and insecure. I thought there might be some potential for us but now I’m not so sure. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t see it working like this. What should I do?

Cyrano: You can consider one of two things.

You can break it off with her and say you want to see other people and that a serious relationship with her is not likely at this juncture in your life. Since you have been in this relationship for only five months, the investment you and she have made is not a large one.

If, however, you want to consider staying with her and if there might be potential for this relationship, you will have to express your concerns about what you perceive as frequent calls and her need to feel reassured about your relationship. You must state your expectations about the relationship and be clear about what you want. It may not what she wants, however. You can reassure her about your feelings for her and the relationship. You will need to clarify her expectations of the relationship which may give you insight into the motivations for her behaviour. Her expectations may be more than you’re prepared to accommodate and the two of you will have to decide to either come to an agreement that works for the both of you or decide to go your separate ways.

A relationship, especially in its early stages, is about learning what the other wants and needs. Clarification of expectations and negotiations are part of the process.

Individual neediness and feelings of jealousy may be indications of deeper personal issues requiring the help of a skilled counsellor or therapist. Neediness and jealousy are those unhealthy and unproductive behaviours that damage existing and future relationships. On an individual level such behaviours are often difficult to overcome without help from a skilled professional.

Finding a fulfilling relationship often means recognizing your own unhealthy and unproductive behaviours that prevent individual growth and development. Nurture yourself and your relationships will be richer for it.