Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

Romantic Love, Romantic Illusions

Dear Cyrano:

I feel trapped in my present relationship. It just seems that after the initial novelty of a new relationship wears off, I find myself drifting away and wanting to be on my own without the routine and all the crap that comes with a relationship. This is not the first relationship in which this has happened. Is there something wrong with me?

Cyrano: My initial impression is that you’re not able to move beyond the “romantic love” stage of your relationships. The “romantic love” stage of many relationships is typically in the early phase in which individuals have an idealized perception of the object of their affection. At this time, the relationship is new and things are exciting. The clichés often associated with new love include individuals saying things like how much the bluer the sky is, how the air is a little fresher, how food tastes so much better etc. etc. During this phase, individuals usually ignore or dismiss the traits/habits/behaviours found in their new love that would otherwise bug the hell out of them at any other time and circumstance. During the romantic love phase, there is also a great deal of individual insecurity and anxiety. While new love brings excitement, new lovers also seek the security and “routine” of a committed relationship at which time the “excitement” typical in a new relationship wanes and progresses toward a more mature stage.

Other things you may wish to consider include your feelings toward commitment in a relationship, fears of intimacy and your maturity level. Relationships like individuals grow and evolve. Relationships and individuals cannot remain stuck in the romantic love stage. Romantic love is about romantic illusions that cannot be sustained. It is not based on reality. You and your lover will grow old, you will likely go bald and your partner’s breasts will sag. Commitment and intimacy involves acceptance of yourself and your partner. When you’re in a committed relationship, it brings responsibilities and obligations. No, it’s not always going to be exciting. It will, more often than not and as you described it, be “routine”. Yes, relationships do include the “crap” that two people bring to it, but it is up to you and your partner to sort out the crap.

Romantic love and the feelings associated with it can be addicting. Individuals addicted to romantic love move from one relationship to the next just to re-experience those feelings. Perhaps, you’re not at a stage in your life in which you’re prepared to have a relationship that lasts for more than a couple of years. If you want to change that, you will have to look at identifying and changing the things that have prevented you from having a more mature relationship.