Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love

When Friends Remain Friends

Dear Cyrano:

I have a male friend whom I’ve known for six years. We’re good friends and our relationship has always been platonic. However, I’ve developed feelings for him but he’s currently involved with someone else. I want to tell him how I feel but I don’t know if I should or simply stop seeing him.

Cyrano: Since he is currently involved romantically with someone else, this suggests that he sees you as a friend and not a lover. It is not unusual for opposite sex friendships to become romantic relationships when one party expresses a romantic attraction but often the other party is not interested in reciprocating. He obviously values you as a friend but he has not indicated a desire for your relationship to be anything else but a friendship.

It is important for you to explore your motivations for wanting to tell him your current feelings. Things to consider: Is anxiety and fear (of losing his friendship), insecurity or jealousy driving your desire in wanting to tell him? Will his new relationship suddenly exclude you from his life? (It may, but that is the nature of life and relationships--change happens, and the friendship may wane.)

I do not suggest cutting him out of your life without saying anything as this would not be fair to him or to yourself. Do express to him that you are happy for him and his new found love. Let him know that his friendship is important to you and that you also understand that his new relationship may not leave as much time for the two of you as in the past.

The transition period will be difficult and awkward as you do have feelings for him. Take the time to transition and adjust. Proceed with your life, activities and goals. Continue to seek out new relationships.