Cyrano on Finding and Mentoring Love: To Move In or Not?

Dear Cyrano:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last two years. We’re very much in love and he wants me to move in with him but I’m not so sure if that is such a good idea. I guess what I want is that he propose to me, we get married then live together. I’ve told him this but he insists that it would be good as we would reduce our living expenses and we could save up for a wedding down the road. I’m not sure what to do.

Cyrano: It’s always helpful to indicate your ages so I have some context and insight about the individuals in the relationship. However, your boyfriend seems overly insistent that you proceed with this arrangement despite your reluctance. His focus is on reducing living expenses (for him or you or both?) rather than on the core issue: his commitment to you and idea of marriage. It’s fine that he wants to reduce living expenses; he can accomplish the same goal with a roommate. The question for you is: Do you want to be his roommate or his life partner/spouse?

It appears that you and your boyfriend have a different understanding about the expectations in your relationship. You wish to get married then live together but your boyfriend is not prepared to do that at this time. Is he looking at this arrangement as a “trial period” before making the big leap into marriage? In a situation like this, it is important to recognize the emotional maturity of your potential partner and your own as well as the needs of both individuals. Is there a large gap between you and is there room for compromise? You may be ready for marriage but he is not. The only way you’re going to resolve this is to state your desire for marriage and, if it is the case, indicate that this is not negotiable. Assess his response to your needs and wants. If he is insistent on proceeding without consideration for your needs or offer further clarification of his intentions, I would hold off any plans for co-habitation.

Afterthought. Couples who move in together before they’re ready, tend not to go on to have satisfactory partnerships or ever get to the point of getting married. If you don’t know your partner well, moving in together to find out that his or her quirks irritate the hell out of you will not bode well for long term success of the relationship. Know what you want from your partner and clarify the expectations of the relationship. Do your partner’s needs, wants and expectations mesh with yours? Communicate and clarify at the outset. Know the answers before you leap into anything you could regret later.